Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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