I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
