Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
