You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
