got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
