This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
