I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
