she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
