Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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