I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
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Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
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like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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