then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize