My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
