I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you would pick up someone in the library
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
