Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
