Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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