the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
