Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
