it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
