Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
