now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
