if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.