i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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