I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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