Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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