My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
