So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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