the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
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is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
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I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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