now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
