my phone needs a breathalizer
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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