this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
nutella sex= disaster
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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