Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
