she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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