i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
