it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
