I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
