How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
me + whiskey = a bad person
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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