Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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