one two three fourrrrnication!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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