I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
