I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
