Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
