you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
