Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
