I don't usually arrange sex via text message
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
