I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously