Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table