He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
