He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
