i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
