You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
