Jerry, you need to find god
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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