Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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