Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
