Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
