Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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