I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
