I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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